Living Victoriously

How To Avoid Falling for A Jerk... OR Jerkette

Session 3 - Part 2 - Exploring Relationship Patterns

In our last session, we asked a question.  What do you gain from knowing someone’s relationship track record and why is it important to you?

I hope you took the time to think about this and that you see its importance.  You see, if you know how they do in relationships and their experiences, then you have an idea of what you would be dealing with and you will also know ahead of time whether this person could be the one… OR NOT.  You will know if this is one who can commit, make excuses, whine, careless, dependable, etc…  You will also know if it is something that you are willing to deal with in a relationship BEFORE you get into a deep relationship with him/her.

Question:  What are some relationship patterns that are possible warning signs of future difficulties?

Answer:  Here are a few main relationship patterns to look out for.
         · Abusive Personality
         · Untrustworthy
         · Deceitful
         · Controlling
         · Manipulative

These things are important to consider in dealing with relationship patterns.  So, we will deal with each one of these.

Abusive Personality

(Info provided by heart-2-heart "Men hurt too")

Please understand that abuse is not prejudice to gender but it happens with men as well as women.

Below is a list of common behaviors that are seen in abusive people:

Jealousy:   At the beginning of a relationship, an abuser will always say that jealousy is a sign of love; jealousy has nothing to do with love, it is a sign of possessiveness and lack of trust. She will question the other person about whom he talks to, accuse him of flirting, or be jealous of the time he spends with his family or friends. As the jealousy progresses, she may call frequently during the day or drop by unexpectedly. She may refuse to let you work for fear you will meet someone else, or even do strange behaviors like checking your car mileage or asking friends to watch you.

Controlling Behavior:   At first, the batterer will say that this behavior is because she is concerned with your safety, your need to use your time well, or your need to make good decisions. She will be angry if you are late coming back from an appointment or a class, she will question you closely about where you went and whom you talked to.  As this behavior gets worse, they may not let you make personal decisions about your clothing, hair style, appearance, etc...

Quick Involvement:   Many people in abusive relationships dated or knew their abusive partners for less than six months before they were married, engaged or living together. She comes on like a whirlwind, claiming, "You are the only person I could ever talk to" or "I've never felt like this with anyone before".  She will pressure you to commit to the relationship in such a way that you may later feel guilty or that you are "letting her down" if you want to slow down involvement or break up.

Unrealistic Expectations:   Abusive people will expect their partner to meet all their needs; she expects you to be the perfect boyfriend, the perfect husband, the perfect friend or the perfect lover. She will say things like, "If you love me, I'm all you need and you are all I need." You are supposed to take care of all of her emotional needs.

Isolation:   The abusive person will try to cut you off from all resources. She accuses you of being "tied to your mother's apron strings," or your friends of "trying to cause trouble" between you. If you have a friend of the opposite sex, you are "going out on her" and if you have friends of the same sex, she may accuse you of being gay.

Blames Others for Problems:   She is chronically unemployed, someone is always waiting for her to do wrong or mess up or someone is always out to get her. She may make mistakes and blame you for upsetting her. She may accuse you of preventing her from concentrating on school. She will tell you that you are at fault for almost anything that goes wrong.

Blames Others for Feelings:  She will tell you, "You make me mad," "You are hurting me by not doing what I want you to do," or "I can't help being angry." She really makes the decisions about how she thinks or feels, but will use feelings to manipulate you.

Hypersensitivity:   An abusive person is easily insulted, and claims that their feelings are hurt when really she is very mad. She often takes the slightest setbacks as personal attacks. She will rant about things that are really just part of living like being asked to work overtime, getting a traffic ticket, being asked to help others with chores.

Cruelty to Animals or Children:   This is a person who punishes animals brutally or is insensitive to their pain and suffering. She may tease younger brothers or sisters until they cry.

"Playful" use of Force in Sex:   This kind of person is likely to be abusive during making out, or she may want you to act out fantasies in which you are helpless. She is letting you know that the idea of sex is exciting. She may show little concern about whether you want affection and may sulk or use anger to manipulate you into compliance.

Verbal Abuse:   In addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel and hurtful, this can be seen when the abusive person tries to degrade you, curses you, calls you names or makes fun of your accomplishments. The abusive person will tell you that you are stupid and unable to function without her. This may involve waking you up to verbally abuse you or not letting you go to sleep until you talk out an argument.

Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Hyde:   Many people are confused by their abusive partner's "sudden" changes in mood -- you may think she has a mental problem because she is nice one minute and the next minute she is exploding. Explosiveness and moodiness are typical of people who are abusive to their partners, and these behaviors are related to other characteristics like hypersensitivity.

Past Battering:   This person may say that she has hit boyfriends or husbands in the past but the other person "made her do it." You may hear from relatives or past male friends that she is abusive.

An abusive person will be physically abusive to any one they are with if the other person is with them long enough for the violence to begin; situational circumstances do not change a person into an abuser.

Threats of Violence:   This could include any threat of physical force meant to control you: "I'll slap you," "I'll kill you," or "I'll break your neck." Most people do not threaten their partners, but the abusive person will try to excuse her threats by saying, "Everybody talks that way."

Breaking or Striking Objects:   This behavior is used as a punishment (breaking loved possessions), but is mostly used to terrorize you into submission. The abuser may beat on the table with her fists, throw objects at or near you, kick the car, slam the door or drive at a high rate of speed or recklessly to scare you.

Not only is this a sign of extreme emotional immaturity, but there is great danger when someone thinks they have the "right" to punish or frighten you.

Any Force During an Argument:   This may involve an abusive partner holding you down, physically restraining you from leaving the room, any pushing or shoving. She may hold you against the wall and say, "You are going to listen to me."

Join me again next time as we cover Untrustworthy and Deceitful, and Manipulative.