Living Victoriously

How To Avoid Falling For A Jerk… OR Jerkette – Part 6

(How to avoid falling for the wrong person)

The 90-Day Probation Period

Again, "jerks" are not gender specific.  They come in all shapes, ages, sizes, beliefs, and both genders.  So, these articles are talking about both sexes and is not putting a preference of one over the other.  The behavior is found in both male and female.  

"Did you know that people who marry after dating less than two years have close to twice the divorce rate than those who date for two or more years.  The most common way you become set up to get involved with the wrong person is by accelerating the pace of your relationship."  So, let’s take a look at the 90-day probation period.

“Whether you are fifteen or fifty, growing to know someone intimately requires certain amounts of time.  Some of you have been in a relationship where you shared everything imaginable, trusted this person with your life, felt completely in sync, and even talked about marriage only to have a rude awakening around the third month.  This is the “magic number” – 90 days!  It is not until around 3 months that deep-seated patterns start to become evident.  In a study conducted by researchers who have been studying dating relationships for over twenty years, it was found that about half of all dating attraction is significantly altered by some newly found characteristic within a three-month period; significant enough to cause a breakup of half of all relationships.  Therefore, many initially hidden patterns seem to become evident within the first 90 days.  By definition, a pattern is a behavior that repeats in a sequence of time.  Without time, there is no such thing as a pattern.  Therefore, if you are always living in the moment you are seriously disadvantaged when it comes to understanding what a dating partner is really like.  The 90-day probation period states that “it takes three months for many subtle but serious patterns to begin to surface.””

  

Fletcher, G.J.O., Simpson, J.A., & Thomas, G. (2000).  Ideals, perceptions and evaluations in early relationship development.  Journal of personality and social psychology, 79, 933-940.

Well, there you have it!  It takes at least 90 days for a behavior pattern to even begin to show.  So, if you are rushing into a relationship with someone and in 90 days you think you are in love with this person, you’re going too fast.  Slow your relationship pace and take some time to really get to know this person in many different settings and situations.  Some people are very good at hiding who they really are underneath but eventually they will let their true colors show.  If you are rushing your relationship or being rushed in a relationship, your state of mind will not be where it needs to be in order to evaluate a situation correctly.  You just have to allow time to take its course to really get to know a person.  So, open your eyes, wake up, get some eye salve for those who are blinded by this romantic love already and be aware of your partner.  

Question:  Okay, I did the 90-day probation period.  Now what?

Answer:  Continue to give it time to know more about the person and who he/she is.  Pay attention to behaviors, attitudes, character changes, temperaments, their behavior around friends, family, enemies, strangers, and etc. so that you know what kind of person you are getting involved with.  This will save a lot of time, pain, trouble, and possibly a future divorce.  It is not easy to do when your heart is racing ahead of you but it is a necessity that will help you, in the end, to make the right choice.  Just give it time to be sure that she/he is the right person for you.

Let’s revert back to the RAM Model:

It is important that we stay in the safe zone relationship.  In other words, beginning from left to right, never allow one level to exceed the previous.  So “trust” should never exceed past “know”, “rely” should never exceed past “trust”, “commit” should never exceed past “rely”, and “touch” should never exceed past “commit”.  

“Know” should always be the highest level of your RAM Model.  It is most important to know someone before you trust them, rely on them, commit to them or allow them to touch you in various ways.

Again, getting to know someone takes time… a lot of time.  It is important to have this togetherness and time if you are to get to know who someone really is.  “It is crucial to realize that your ability to form strong loving bonds can betray you if you do not intentionally pace a new relationship.” 

Well, we have completed the first session of How To Avoid Falling For A Jerk… OR Jerkette.  (A Bird’s Eye View of Dating).  Join me Thursday as we begin Session 2:  You Can’t Marry Jethro Without Gettin’ the Clampetts.