Living Victoriously

How To Avoid Falling For A Jerk... OR Jerkette

Session 3:  Part 3B: Assumptions and Mind Games

We've covered a lot of information in the past in dealing with relationships and how to have one or how to avoid an unhealthy one.  There are lots of factors to consider and to be on the look out for in dealing with a relationship.  Our next are is dealing with Assumptions and Mind Games.                                                              

Now, most of you have been in a situation or know someone who has been in a situation where someone is playing mind games with them.  It is an immature act and should be cut-off immediately as it is damaging to both parties.  Let's begin.

Assumptions:

Don't you just hate it when people tell you what you are thinking and what you mean and what you're doing!?  It absolutely gets on ones nerves.  I am sure that everyone has come across a situation where you said something and the person didn't take you seriously, or they didn't consider it, or they assume you "meant" something else or that you didn't mean what you said.  Games!  Games!  Mind Games!  Or... worse yet, they refuse to accept what you say that you mean and then tell you what you mean.  Confused yet!?... Exactly!  This can be absolutely exasperating.

What they are doing is that they are trying to overlay how they want you to behave... and which comes back around to how they want you to behave so that it benefits them.... can anyone say... "manipulation"?

Assumption statements are difficult to catch, but catch them we must.  Statements using "suppose", "guess", and "wish" are ideal for assumption statements.  You see, they don't ask you a question because then there is no control.  If they put it in the form of a statement, "I wish you'd understand how hard it is for me after all I've done for you. ", then it controls the conversation and probably the response.

In a healthy relationship, questions would be asked and a conversation proceed from the question.  You see, the manipulator would prefer to make an assumption about what you're doing because it gives control to the conversation and allows them to describe you instead of listening to the real you instead of the you they say you are.  Everyone uses manipulation once in a while.  Husbands, wives, children, lovers, and parents.  These examples are assumptions in dealing with a parent.

Examples of Healthy Responses To Assumptions:

Assumption:  I wish you'd understand how hard it is for me, after all I've done for you, to have you not want to spend the day with me.

Healthy Response:  Actually, I spend as much time with you as I can and value our time and am happily dividing my time so that I can spend some with you and with my family.

Assumption:  "I suppose you're going to leave me alone again."

Healthy Response:  "I'm not leaving you alone.  You've got your family here and going to be watching a movie tonight, the dog's with you wanting attention.  I will be back."

Assumption:  "If you've got better things to do, then don't waste your time with me."

Healthy Response:  "I'm glad you understand how busy things are for me right now.  When I get back home from work we will talk then."

Mind Games:

Don't let what others think and say influence what type of person you choose to be and what you do.  Many of times a manipulator will use someone who is a favorable authority figure to you.  They will use what they say or think to try to manipulate you into having their way.  They try to make you feel like you aren't doing what the average person would do in a situation.  Below are some examples of mind game manipulation:

Mind Game:  "Mary says that it'd be better if you didn't leave me alone all the time.  She says it's harmful for me."

Response:  "I didn't realize Mary was a psychologist.  I must speak to her about the possibility of spending more time with you."

Mind Game:  "Everyone things you're not being kind to me when you refuse to buy me a second diamond ring."

Response:  "Everyone?  I must meet these people who are so flush.  I'd love to buy you another ring but I'm glad that you have a beautiful one to keep you occupied until our budget can handle another large purchase as that.

Avoid Confrontation and Dispute Manipulation:

Determine whether someone is purposely trying to use a ploy or a "game" to cause a conflict.  This often happens with friends where one person wants to influence or control the actions of the other.  Confrontational statements are meant to upset you and to begin a fight.  Sometimes it can be done in jest but the purpose is meant to dash your hopes.  Don't engage in an argument with a manipulator, you'll lose.  Learn to "JUST SAY NO", and then point out clear facts and leave it at that.  Be calm, friendly, rational, pleasant and just give a simple response.  Don't give grimacing facial gestures or snapping and yelling.  Use body language to back up your meaning.  i.e.:  shake your head "no", give a "no" face while saying "no".

Example:

Manipulator:  "I thought we agreed that this is the best solution."

Response:  "Thanks for asking but "no". or "I'd love to, but I'm too busy and can't".

These are just examples.  You will have to determine what type of manipulation you are dealing with so that you can respond healthily but definitely.

Join me next time as we cover manipulations dealing with self-pity, distorting facts, feigning illnesses and bargaining tools.

Cheers!