How To
Avoid Falling For A Jerk... OR Jerkette
Session 3: Pt. 1:
Exploring the Compatibility Potential
In dealing with Compatibility Potential, we want to examine our
personality compatibility. You see it is important to know that you are,
atleast somewhat, compatible.
There are 6 different factors of personality compatibility that
are necessary to get to know.
- Intelligence
- Emotional Style
- Energy Levels
- Chemistry
- Openness and Expression of Affection
- Sense of Humor
Now, remember, this is just a tool to help you to get to know your
potential partner so that you know more fully on whether this person is right
for you or not.
You must also be willing to do research in dealing with getting to
know this person. So be sure to explore other relationship patterns.
You will need to be a little detective... for your own sake... to learn
more about him/her. Here's some necessary advice when detecting.
- Postpone conclusions until all is known
- The more you know the better
- Look at the person from the perspective of others
- Test your theories
- Test your theories
Oh, did I say
that already!
- TEST YOUR THEORY!
Next, let's talk about skills that are necessary for
relationships. The #1 necessary skill for a successful relationship... or
for any kind of relationship... is communication.
Question: What exactly is involved in dealing with
communication?
Answer: listening and speaking.
Question: Why is good listening necessary?
Answer: Good listening skills make relationships more
productive. The ability to listen carefully will allow you to:
* better understand the person
*
know what is expected of you
*
build a
rapport
*
show support
*
know better of how to work with that person
*
know how to resolve problems with that person
*
answer
questions
*
learn to find underlying meanings in what others say.
Do YOU know how to listen well? Here are some tips
that can help you to improve how well you listen and what to look out for when
detecting for a good listener.
How to Listen Well
The following tips will help you listen well. Doing these things will also demonstrate to the speaker that you are paying attention. While you may in fact be able to listen while looking down at the floor, doing so may imply that you are not.
● face the speaker - This shows your
attentiveness through body language
● maintain eye contact
● don't interrupt the speaker - This
could be very irritating and cause them to lose their train of thought.
● sit still - If you fidget, it may
express impatience or that you're uncomfortable with the conversation.
● respond appropriately - nod your
head, say uh-huh, etc...
● lean toward the speaker - This shows
interest
● minimize internal distractions
- If your own thoughts keep horning in, simply let them go and
continuously re-focus your attention on the speaker, much as you would during
meditation.
● focus solely on what the speaker is
saying - Try not to think about what you're going to say next.
● Keep an open mind. Wait until the
speaker is finished before deciding that you disagree. Try not to make
assumptions about what the speaker is thinking.
● Avoid letting the speaker know how you
handled a similar situation. Unless they specifically ask for advice,
assume they just need to talk it out.
● Even if the speaker is launching a
complaint against you, wait until they finish to defend yourself. The
speaker will feel as though their point had been made. They won’t feel the need
to repeat it, and you’ll know the whole argument before you respond. Research
shows that, on average, we can hear four times faster than we can talk, so we
have the ability to sort ideas as they come in…and be ready for more.
● Minimize external distractions. Turn
off the TV. Put down your book or magazine, and ask the speaker and other
listeners to do the same.
● repeat and clarify once the speaker
has finished. After you ask questions, paraphrase their point to make
sure you didn't misunderstand. Start with: "So, you're
saying..."
A good
listener knows that being attentive to what the speaker doesn't say is as
important as being attentive to what he does say. Look for non-verbal cues such
as facial expressions and posture to get the full gist of what the speaker is
telling you.
Question: Why is being able to verbalize yourself in conversation important?
Answer: It is
important to make sure that there is a MUTUAL openness and receptivity between
you and the person you date. Why? Because that is how you learn
about his/her ideas, opinions, thoughts, and feelings in order for you to get
to know that person.
Investigate
how well you communicate:
It is also important that what you say and the emotions you feel agree? Why? So that there isn't ANY misunderstanding of what you mean. The worst thing is when someone says something and mean or feel something totally different. No one is a mind reader and no one should have to try to read your mind to figure out what you mean.
i.e.: A person says
"I love you" because you said it to them and now they feel pressured
to respond in like manner when they don't really have that type of feeling for
you. That can be devastating to both parties involved. Say what you
mean and mean what you say.
Now, I want
you to ask yourself this question and take time to think about it and answer it.
Question:
What do you gain from knowing someone's relationship track record and why
is it important to you?
Join me next time when we
go over Exploring Others Relationship Patterns
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