HOW'D YOU GET TO WHERE YOU ARE NOW?

Too often we want to do things our way, do it on our own, without help, without care, without consideration of how it will effect of others.  I am here in Utah visiting my daughter who has just had my 2nd grandchild.  It has refreshed my longing to be near my kids.  Sometimes we can get so busy in our own little world of work, missions, and play that we forget about the more important things in life and how we got to where we are.

None of us are an island unto himself... as a matter-of-fact, we are not even a peninsula unto ourselves.  When I was in church this week I heard a comment that stuck with me.  This sister-in-Christ commented that, at times, we forget where we came from.  When we are successful at reaching our goals whether they be physical, mental, spiritual, psychological, economical, societal, or familial, we may forget, or fail to acknowledge that we didn't make it there on our own.

For Example:

*  I am a retired nurse, a Christian vocalist, a Christian, a piano teacher, a director over piano teachers, a neighbor, a mentor, a financial advisor and more.  

*  In order to become a nurse, I needed someone to watch my kids, help me to pay for school, provide finances needed, give me a job, accept me into the nursing program, train me, advise me on what I needed and more.  

*  In order to become a Christian, other Christians witnessed to me and gave me bible study, mentored me, helped me through the hard times, counseled me, prayed for me, and more.  

*  In order to become a Christian vocalist, someone had to be willing to take a chance on hearing me sing, scheduling me for performances, pay me, teach me voice techniques, and more. 

I THINK YOU GET MY POINT!

None of us have gotten where we are without family, friends, mentors, counselors, advisers, babysitters, prayer warriors, pastors, fellowshippers, speakers, influencers, etc.  We did not get where we are on our own.  Although all through the year we should remember those who helped us to get this far, at this time of year when family togetherness is stressed, I would like you to take the time to not just think of family and friends, but all of the peoples, choices, and situations that has caused you to be where you are now.  You may not be in a good place right now or you may be in the best place that you ever thought you would be, or you may just not be exactly where you wanted to be at this point.  

Regardless of where you are, take the time to thank God first for your life in whatever state it is.  Then, thank the people who have helped you to accomplish the things that you have been victorious in and those people who have encouraged you along the way.  Then take the time to think about the choices made and the situations and/or opportunities that have gotten you where you are.  Remember, what you've been successful in wasn't all your own doing.  Even if it means remembering what mama taught you about idleness.  That may have helped you to be a hard worker.  So, remember it and gain the important message in it.

We have a new year coming upon us in 1.5 weeks.  Take the time to plan a new goal for yourself of what you want to accomplish this year as a short term goal and then a 5-year plan of victories you want to have.  Take the time to think about the people that you will need help from to reach those goals, the opportunities that will need to come your way, the finances that will need to be provided for, etc.  Then, thank God, right now, for putting all those things into alignment for you to be victorious this year.  Thank Him ahead of time and believe that He will give you the victory and success that you so deserve.  

In God's word it says in 3rd John 1:2, "Beloved, I wish above all things that you may prosper and be in health even as your soul prospers..."

That is my prayer for you for this upcoming year.  I pray that you will live VICTORIOUSLY and PROSPER but remember all those who helped you to get there.

Happy New Year!

Your Attitude Decides 
Your Failure or Success

I was doing my devotion and bible study this morning.  I have been studying the book of Exodus for over a year now through "The Abundant Life Bible Amplifier".  It is a practical guide to Abundant Christian Living in the Book of Exodus.  It is by Jon L. Dybdahl.

Well, I was again reading Exodus 19 and 20 of the Bible where God introduced Himself to Israel and wanting to speak face-to-face with them, then gave them His law.

There is a section in each chapter of this book called "Applying The Word".  That is where wisdom stands.  It asked a multi-faceted question, which I've divided into sections for easier viewing:

A.  How do you view the commandments?
B.  Are they a bothersome bunch of regulations, or are they a good gift of God?
C.  Do you see them in the context of your deliverance by God or as a requirement for salvation?
D.  What part of your story do the commands fit into?
E.  Does your history make it hard or easy to obey them?
F.  Why?

These questions caused me to think deep and hard about my life, where I came from, where I am planning on going, what am I planning to do in between, and what my attitude is about God and life itself.

I would like to share just 2 answers that I gave.  "E" and "F" and it is all in one answer.

"My history doesn't make it hard nor easy to obey the commandments.  It is my attitude that does that.  You see, there are many people who have experienced what I have experienced.  There are some who have been raised in orphanages/homes/group homes.  There are many who didn't grow up with a father.  There are many who have been sexually, mentally, emotionally, psychologically abused.  There are many who have been raped.  There are many who have experienced homelessness... with children still on their hips.  There are many who are divorced due to a tragic experience.  There are many who have had broken homes and broken hearts.  These are all things that I have experienced... and more!

What makes the utmost difference is... ATTITUDE.

I decide what kind of person I will be, not my situation(s).  Will I allow my past and my present to turn me, in bitterness and anger, from God who is my present and my future... or do I allow my past to turn me to God in gratefulness and love for Him carrying me through those things.

It is ALL in the attitude of the person.

I decide what kind of person I will be and what kind of attitude that I will walk through this life with.  Am I going to live in defeat or live victoriously!  I am more than a conquerer!"

If we walk through life with an attitude of defeat, we will be defeated everytime because we have already lost the battles for ourselves.  If we walk through life with an attitude of victory, we will have more than a probable chance of being victorious and winning the battles.

You have the same decision to make.  You may be going through the ringer right now and struggling with many unimaginable things that I couldn't even fathom.  But you know what, God Loves You!  If you are God's child, greater is He that is in you than he that is in the world.  YOU ARE MORE THAN A CONQUERER!  We have that ability ONLY through God.

I would like each person reading this article to take the time to read Exodus 19 and 20 before asking themselves those same questions.  It will caused you to really take a deep thought of yourself.

How To Avoid Falling For A Jerk... OR Jerkette

Session 3:  Part 3B: Assumptions and Mind Games

We've covered a lot of information in the past in dealing with relationships and how to have one or how to avoid an unhealthy one.  There are lots of factors to consider and to be on the look out for in dealing with a relationship.  Our next are is dealing with Assumptions and Mind Games.                                                              

Now, most of you have been in a situation or know someone who has been in a situation where someone is playing mind games with them.  It is an immature act and should be cut-off immediately as it is damaging to both parties.  Let's begin.

Assumptions:

Don't you just hate it when people tell you what you are thinking and what you mean and what you're doing!?  It absolutely gets on ones nerves.  I am sure that everyone has come across a situation where you said something and the person didn't take you seriously, or they didn't consider it, or they assume you "meant" something else or that you didn't mean what you said.  Games!  Games!  Mind Games!  Or... worse yet, they refuse to accept what you say that you mean and then tell you what you mean.  Confused yet!?... Exactly!  This can be absolutely exasperating.

What they are doing is that they are trying to overlay how they want you to behave... and which comes back around to how they want you to behave so that it benefits them.... can anyone say... "manipulation"?

Assumption statements are difficult to catch, but catch them we must.  Statements using "suppose", "guess", and "wish" are ideal for assumption statements.  You see, they don't ask you a question because then there is no control.  If they put it in the form of a statement, "I wish you'd understand how hard it is for me after all I've done for you. ", then it controls the conversation and probably the response.

In a healthy relationship, questions would be asked and a conversation proceed from the question.  You see, the manipulator would prefer to make an assumption about what you're doing because it gives control to the conversation and allows them to describe you instead of listening to the real you instead of the you they say you are.  Everyone uses manipulation once in a while.  Husbands, wives, children, lovers, and parents.  These examples are assumptions in dealing with a parent.

Examples of Healthy Responses To Assumptions:

Assumption:  I wish you'd understand how hard it is for me, after all I've done for you, to have you not want to spend the day with me.

Healthy Response:  Actually, I spend as much time with you as I can and value our time and am happily dividing my time so that I can spend some with you and with my family.

Assumption:  "I suppose you're going to leave me alone again."

Healthy Response:  "I'm not leaving you alone.  You've got your family here and going to be watching a movie tonight, the dog's with you wanting attention.  I will be back."

Assumption:  "If you've got better things to do, then don't waste your time with me."

Healthy Response:  "I'm glad you understand how busy things are for me right now.  When I get back home from work we will talk then."

Mind Games:

Don't let what others think and say influence what type of person you choose to be and what you do.  Many of times a manipulator will use someone who is a favorable authority figure to you.  They will use what they say or think to try to manipulate you into having their way.  They try to make you feel like you aren't doing what the average person would do in a situation.  Below are some examples of mind game manipulation:

Mind Game:  "Mary says that it'd be better if you didn't leave me alone all the time.  She says it's harmful for me."

Response:  "I didn't realize Mary was a psychologist.  I must speak to her about the possibility of spending more time with you."

Mind Game:  "Everyone things you're not being kind to me when you refuse to buy me a second diamond ring."

Response:  "Everyone?  I must meet these people who are so flush.  I'd love to buy you another ring but I'm glad that you have a beautiful one to keep you occupied until our budget can handle another large purchase as that.

Avoid Confrontation and Dispute Manipulation:

Determine whether someone is purposely trying to use a ploy or a "game" to cause a conflict.  This often happens with friends where one person wants to influence or control the actions of the other.  Confrontational statements are meant to upset you and to begin a fight.  Sometimes it can be done in jest but the purpose is meant to dash your hopes.  Don't engage in an argument with a manipulator, you'll lose.  Learn to "JUST SAY NO", and then point out clear facts and leave it at that.  Be calm, friendly, rational, pleasant and just give a simple response.  Don't give grimacing facial gestures or snapping and yelling.  Use body language to back up your meaning.  i.e.:  shake your head "no", give a "no" face while saying "no".

Example:

Manipulator:  "I thought we agreed that this is the best solution."

Response:  "Thanks for asking but "no". or "I'd love to, but I'm too busy and can't".

These are just examples.  You will have to determine what type of manipulation you are dealing with so that you can respond healthily but definitely.

Join me next time as we cover manipulations dealing with self-pity, distorting facts, feigning illnesses and bargaining tools.

Cheers!

How To Avoid Falling For A Jerk... OR Jerkette

Session 3:  Part 3A - Healthy Responses To Manipulative, Deceitful, and Untrustworthy Behavior

Last time we discussed a lot of different manipulative and deceitful behavior.  Well, what good is discussing it if we don't have any solutions in how to deal with them.

So, I want to first give thanks to http://www.wikihow.com/Manipulate-a-Guy-Into-a-Talk who provided this directly copied information.

First understand that when dealing with someone who is manipulative, we must know, ahead of time, how to deal with them so as to not be caught off guard.  So, we are going to describe what the behaviors are and explain what their purpose is and then help you to know how to handle that specific behavior.

We won't get through all of them here.  It will take a few sessions.  But, here we go:

Note the possible types of ways in which people try to manipulate one another. There are some key behaviors that can end up in manipulation, and it's helpful to know how to spot them before walking right into them. The behaviors are set out briefly here, with the following steps providing more details along with suggestions for healthy ways to respond:

o The guilt trip – this manipulative behavior seeks to make you feel guilty and is aimed at sending you into the land of "should" rather than standing up for your own values.

o The assumption statement – this manipulative tactic seeks to turn your behavior into what the beholder perceives it as, whether or not their interpretation is accurate. Soon leads to a guilt trip because no matter what, your refutation is proof of the assumption.

o He said, she said – this manipulative ploy is pseudo-sociology in action. The manipulator takes it upon themselves to tell you what someone else said was the right thing to do. It's a handy way of pushing aside the responsibility from themselves while loading it all onto you.

o The confronting statement – this manipulative approach is about causing anargument. That way, the provoker will end up making you feel terrible over something you didn't do or say but for which you ought to feel guilty anyway and they'll get a huge chunk of sympathy with which to manipulate you all over again.

o Self-pity: "But I'm so unloved/sick/victimized, etc." – At times each one of us has times when we're really in need of some tender self-care but long-term manipulators can make a habit of being the victim or the one needing special attention.

Even companies use guilt trips...

Curtail the guilt trip!

Guilt trips are really high on the list of manipulative tools. If you can get someone else to feel guilty, then you're home and hosed. The trouble is, people wear out after being made to suffer guilt trip after guilt trip and the manipulator who thinks that he or she is on to a good thing here risks losing respect, friends, and being distanced by those who can't get away, such as family and co-workers. One of the key things to keep in mind when escaping the guilt trip bind is that the sooner you nip it in the bud, the better, and that it's their guilt trip, not yours.

Here are some approaches to the guilt trip:

o Recognize it. Guilt trips are usually prefaced with "If you really cared about me, you'd...", or "If you were more responsible, you'd...", or "If you were more understanding, you'd...". In each case, you can substitute the words they add in after with "do as I want". Another way of inducing a guilt trip is to tell you what you wouldn't do, for example: "I knew I'd misheard it! After all, you'd never get engaged without telling me first." In that small phrase, you've just been told that the expectations are that you'll defer to this person before making any decisions.

o Turn it back on the guilt giver. Take a return-to-sender approach with guilt trips and don't let their interpretation of your behavior determine the situation. In this case, you can give them a little of their own medicine so that they understand how it feels to be made to feel guilty. This approach involves taking what the manipulator has said and tell them how they aren't respecting, appreciating, caring for, etc. your behavior toward them, and in the process, you dissolve the need to meet the obligation they're aiming to impose.

For example:

 A: "You don't care about all the hard work I've done for you."

 You: "I sure do care about the hard work you've done for me. I've said as much many times. Now it seems to me that you don't appreciate how much I care."

 A: "That's not true! I appreciate it!"

 You: "Yes, just as I appreciate your hard work."

o Shorten their hold on you. When a manipulator tries to guilt-trip you by suggesting that they don't matter, don't buy into it. Instead, answer with a quick retort that breaks this hold instantly.

For example:

 A: "Okay then, go on that camping trip with your friends while I do all the work looking after the dogs. Don't worry about me."

 You: "That's great! I'm glad you're happy to look after the dogs while I'm away. Thanks!"

See, that wasn't too painful now was it?  LOL

Well, join me next time when we cover the behavior of Assumptions and Mind Games

How To Avoid Falling For A Jerk... OR Jerkette

Session 3 - Part 3 - Manipulative, Deceitful, and Untrustworthy Behavior

Do you sometimes feel as if you are bending over backwards to satisfy your partner?  

As aforementioned in previous articles, it is imperative that we explore relational behaviors in people... especially those that we are considering having a relationship with.  Last time, we discussed abusive behavior.  Today, we will discuss manipulative, deceitful, and untrustworthy behavior.

Our cultures have shifted over time and with each generation it seems as if a new culture is born.  It isn't like the old days when we passed our culture down to our children and children's children.  We passed down our values and beliefs and everything that was important to us that made us unique... special... that made us US.  Now, society says that each person has a right to not have other people's values and beliefs and everything that comes with that imparted to you... but, instead, allow our children to create their own set of values and beliefs.  This is where we are in society and, therefore, it is important to know what type of person we are dealing with when we are contemplating dating or marrying someone... thus... marrying into their family.

There are many types of behavior that we should look out for.  However, today we are going to learn a little about manipulation, deceitfulness and an untrustworthy behavior.  Too often we want to see the good in people... and that is good... we should look for the good.  However, we do not want to close our eyes to the bad or unhealthy behavior that a person exhibits either.  The Bible says... we must be harmless as doves but as wise as snakes.  You see, things are not always good just because they look good on the surface.  This is YOUR heart, YOUR family, and YOUR life that you are considering to merge with someone else's.  We MUST be willing to research and seek out a matter to know it more fully especially when we are considering a long-term relationship with someone.  So, let's begin.

Definition of Deceitful:  Misleading others, typically on a habitual basis.

Synonyms:  deceptive, false, fraudulent, delusive, LYING

Now, this one is easy if we are willing to just open our eyes to truth.  Usually, eventually, a person will get caught in their lying.  You have to just be willing to see it for what it is and not allow the eyes of desire or the heart of love to cover it up.  If a woman or man is deceitful to you before you even have a serious relationship or before you are married, this is the time to call it what it is and confront the person with it.  If they are doing it now, what do you think they are going to do after you get married... become truthful?  This is a WATCH OUT alarm!

Definition of Untrustworthy:  Not worthy of trust or belief.

Adjectives:  Unreliable, treacherous, deceitful, false, trickery, slippery, untrue, dishonest, fickle, devious, UNFAITHFUL, capricious, two-faced, disloyal, FAITHLESS, fly-by-night, UNDEPENDABLE, a bad egg, evasive, an eel.

This is self-explanatory.  Just reading the adjectives helps you to get the idea.  This is not someone who will be faithful to you and you will NOT be able to depend on them.  This is a WATCH OUT alarm!

Definition of Manipulative:  Attempts at indirectly influencing someone else's behavior or actions.

As human beings, our emotions often cloud our judgments making it difficult to see the reality behind hidden agendas or motives in different forms of behavior.  The controlling aspects or shrewdness linked to manipulation are sometimes very subtle and may be easily overlooked, buried under feelings of obligation, love, or habit.  We are going to discuss this topic for the rest of the article since it is the one that we are most easily blinded to.  You will then learn some ways to pick up on manipulative behavior occurring around you.

Manipulative behavior isn't always easily recognized because it is subtle.  It is a silent game of building up obligations toward them, that end up with you feeling guilty, pressured, and obliged to do things that they want you to do while you are trying to figure out how you got to this point.

There are some main behaviors that can end up in manipulation.  It is useful to know how to spot them as to avoid.  

Join me again next time as we describe each behavior and provide healthy responses to them.

How To Avoid Falling for A Jerk... OR Jerkette

Session 3 - Part 2 - Exploring Relationship Patterns

In our last session, we asked a question.  What do you gain from knowing someone’s relationship track record and why is it important to you?

I hope you took the time to think about this and that you see its importance.  You see, if you know how they do in relationships and their experiences, then you have an idea of what you would be dealing with and you will also know ahead of time whether this person could be the one… OR NOT.  You will know if this is one who can commit, make excuses, whine, careless, dependable, etc…  You will also know if it is something that you are willing to deal with in a relationship BEFORE you get into a deep relationship with him/her.

Question:  What are some relationship patterns that are possible warning signs of future difficulties?

Answer:  Here are a few main relationship patterns to look out for.
         · Abusive Personality
         · Untrustworthy
         · Deceitful
         · Controlling
         · Manipulative

These things are important to consider in dealing with relationship patterns.  So, we will deal with each one of these.

Abusive Personality

(Info provided by heart-2-heart "Men hurt too")

Please understand that abuse is not prejudice to gender but it happens with men as well as women.

Below is a list of common behaviors that are seen in abusive people:

Jealousy:   At the beginning of a relationship, an abuser will always say that jealousy is a sign of love; jealousy has nothing to do with love, it is a sign of possessiveness and lack of trust. She will question the other person about whom he talks to, accuse him of flirting, or be jealous of the time he spends with his family or friends. As the jealousy progresses, she may call frequently during the day or drop by unexpectedly. She may refuse to let you work for fear you will meet someone else, or even do strange behaviors like checking your car mileage or asking friends to watch you.

Controlling Behavior:   At first, the batterer will say that this behavior is because she is concerned with your safety, your need to use your time well, or your need to make good decisions. She will be angry if you are late coming back from an appointment or a class, she will question you closely about where you went and whom you talked to.  As this behavior gets worse, they may not let you make personal decisions about your clothing, hair style, appearance, etc...

Quick Involvement:   Many people in abusive relationships dated or knew their abusive partners for less than six months before they were married, engaged or living together. She comes on like a whirlwind, claiming, "You are the only person I could ever talk to" or "I've never felt like this with anyone before".  She will pressure you to commit to the relationship in such a way that you may later feel guilty or that you are "letting her down" if you want to slow down involvement or break up.

Unrealistic Expectations:   Abusive people will expect their partner to meet all their needs; she expects you to be the perfect boyfriend, the perfect husband, the perfect friend or the perfect lover. She will say things like, "If you love me, I'm all you need and you are all I need." You are supposed to take care of all of her emotional needs.

Isolation:   The abusive person will try to cut you off from all resources. She accuses you of being "tied to your mother's apron strings," or your friends of "trying to cause trouble" between you. If you have a friend of the opposite sex, you are "going out on her" and if you have friends of the same sex, she may accuse you of being gay.

Blames Others for Problems:   She is chronically unemployed, someone is always waiting for her to do wrong or mess up or someone is always out to get her. She may make mistakes and blame you for upsetting her. She may accuse you of preventing her from concentrating on school. She will tell you that you are at fault for almost anything that goes wrong.

Blames Others for Feelings:  She will tell you, "You make me mad," "You are hurting me by not doing what I want you to do," or "I can't help being angry." She really makes the decisions about how she thinks or feels, but will use feelings to manipulate you.

Hypersensitivity:   An abusive person is easily insulted, and claims that their feelings are hurt when really she is very mad. She often takes the slightest setbacks as personal attacks. She will rant about things that are really just part of living like being asked to work overtime, getting a traffic ticket, being asked to help others with chores.

Cruelty to Animals or Children:   This is a person who punishes animals brutally or is insensitive to their pain and suffering. She may tease younger brothers or sisters until they cry.

"Playful" use of Force in Sex:   This kind of person is likely to be abusive during making out, or she may want you to act out fantasies in which you are helpless. She is letting you know that the idea of sex is exciting. She may show little concern about whether you want affection and may sulk or use anger to manipulate you into compliance.

Verbal Abuse:   In addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel and hurtful, this can be seen when the abusive person tries to degrade you, curses you, calls you names or makes fun of your accomplishments. The abusive person will tell you that you are stupid and unable to function without her. This may involve waking you up to verbally abuse you or not letting you go to sleep until you talk out an argument.

Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Hyde:   Many people are confused by their abusive partner's "sudden" changes in mood -- you may think she has a mental problem because she is nice one minute and the next minute she is exploding. Explosiveness and moodiness are typical of people who are abusive to their partners, and these behaviors are related to other characteristics like hypersensitivity.

Past Battering:   This person may say that she has hit boyfriends or husbands in the past but the other person "made her do it." You may hear from relatives or past male friends that she is abusive.

An abusive person will be physically abusive to any one they are with if the other person is with them long enough for the violence to begin; situational circumstances do not change a person into an abuser.

Threats of Violence:   This could include any threat of physical force meant to control you: "I'll slap you," "I'll kill you," or "I'll break your neck." Most people do not threaten their partners, but the abusive person will try to excuse her threats by saying, "Everybody talks that way."

Breaking or Striking Objects:   This behavior is used as a punishment (breaking loved possessions), but is mostly used to terrorize you into submission. The abuser may beat on the table with her fists, throw objects at or near you, kick the car, slam the door or drive at a high rate of speed or recklessly to scare you.

Not only is this a sign of extreme emotional immaturity, but there is great danger when someone thinks they have the "right" to punish or frighten you.

Any Force During an Argument:   This may involve an abusive partner holding you down, physically restraining you from leaving the room, any pushing or shoving. She may hold you against the wall and say, "You are going to listen to me."

Join me again next time as we cover Untrustworthy and Deceitful, and Manipulative.

How To Avoid Falling For A Jerk... OR Jerkette

Session 3: Pt. 1:  Exploring the Compatibility Potential

In dealing with Compatibility Potential, we want to examine our personality compatibility.  You see it is important to know that you are, atleast somewhat, compatible.

There are 6 different factors of personality compatibility that are necessary to get to know.

- Intelligence

- Emotional Style

- Energy Levels

- Chemistry

- Openness and Expression of Affection

- Sense of Humor

Now, remember, this is just a tool to help you to get to know your potential partner so that you know more fully on whether this person is right for you or not.

You must also be willing to do research in dealing with getting to know this person.  So be sure to explore other relationship patterns.  You will need to be a little detective... for your own sake... to learn more about him/her.  Here's some necessary advice when detecting.

- Postpone conclusions until all is known

- The more you know the better

- Look at the person from the perspective of others

- Test your theories

- Test your theories

Oh, did I say that already!

- TEST YOUR THEORY!

Next, let's talk about skills that are necessary for relationships.  The #1 necessary skill for a successful relationship... or for any kind of relationship... is communication.

Question:  What exactly is involved in dealing with communication?

Answer:  listening and speaking.

Question:  Why is good listening necessary?

Answer:  Good listening skills make relationships more productive. The ability to listen carefully will allow you to:

*                        better understand the person

*                        know what is expected of you

*                        build a rapport

*                        show support

*                        know better of how to work with that person

*                        know how to resolve problems with that person

*                        answer questions

*                        learn to find underlying meanings in what others say.

Do YOU know how to listen well?  Here are some tips that can help you to improve how well you listen and what to look out for when detecting for a good listener.

How to Listen Well

The following tips will help you listen well. Doing these things will also demonstrate to the speaker that you are paying attention. While you may in fact be able to listen while looking down at the floor, doing so may imply that you are not.

●  face the speaker - This shows your attentiveness through body language

●  maintain eye contact

●  don't interrupt the speaker - This could be very irritating and cause them to lose their train of thought.

●  sit still - If you fidget, it may express impatience or that you're uncomfortable with the conversation.

●  respond appropriately - nod your head, say uh-huh, etc...

●  lean toward the speaker - This shows interest

●  minimize internal distractions -  If your own thoughts keep horning in, simply let them go and continuously re-focus your attention on the speaker, much as you would during meditation.

●  focus solely on what the speaker is saying - Try not to think about what you're going to say next.

●  Keep an open mind. Wait until the speaker is finished before deciding that you disagree. Try not to make assumptions about what the speaker is thinking.

●  Avoid letting the speaker know how you handled a similar situation. Unless they specifically ask for advice, assume they just need to talk it out. 

●  Even if the speaker is launching a complaint against you, wait until they finish to defend yourself. The speaker will feel as though their point had been made. They won’t feel the need to repeat it, and you’ll know the whole argument before you respond. Research shows that, on average, we can hear four times faster than we can talk, so we have the ability to sort ideas as they come in…and be ready for more. 

●  Minimize external distractions. Turn off the TV. Put down your book or magazine, and ask the speaker and other listeners to do the same. 

●  repeat and clarify once the speaker has finished.  After you ask questions, paraphrase their point to make sure you didn't misunderstand.  Start with: "So, you're saying..."

A good listener knows that being attentive to what the speaker doesn't say is as important as being attentive to what he does say. Look for non-verbal cues such as facial expressions and posture to get the full gist of what the speaker is telling you.

Question:  Why is being able to verbalize yourself in conversation important?

Answer:  It is important to make sure that there is a MUTUAL openness and receptivity between you and the person you date.  Why?  Because that is how you learn about his/her ideas, opinions, thoughts, and feelings in order for you to get to know that person.

Investigate how well you communicate:

Click Here To Take The Communication Quiz

It is also important that what you say and the emotions you feel agree?  Why?  So that there isn't ANY misunderstanding of what you mean.  The worst thing is when someone says something and mean or feel something totally different.  No one is a mind reader and no one should have to try to read your mind to figure out what you mean.   

i.e.:  A person says "I love you" because you said it to them and now they feel pressured to respond in like manner when they don't really have that type of feeling for you.  That can be devastating to both parties involved.  Say what you mean and mean what you say.

Now, I want you to ask yourself this question and take time to think about it and answer it.

Question:  What do you gain from knowing someone's relationship track record and why is it important to you?

Join me next time when we go over Exploring Others Relationship Patterns

Who Are You And What Kind Of Person Are You Searching For?

Do you have amnesia and don't remember who you are, where you come from, and where you're going?

Those are very good questions and pertinent ones.  You see, before you can know who you are looking for or what kind of man or woman you want in your life, you need to know who YOU are. 

Are there things in your life that holds you back from being yourself?  Work on that first so that you can be yourself with others.  If not, eventually your real self will come out and it is better that it shows when a person is first getting to know you than when you are in a long term relationship or marriage.  It is being honest with yourself and with them so that they also are informed of who and what kind of person they are with.

Take some time to think about it... WHO ARE YOU?  Are you allowing your past to decide who you will be or are YOU deciding what  kind of person you want to be.  It isn't anyone else's decision but yours, not your mother's, father's, lover's, sister's, brother's, or teacher's.  It is YOURS alone!

Do you know what you want for yourself?  Take the time to stop and think about that... think about your future.  You want to figure that out first before involving yourself with someone who may not be able to share that desire or goal or who cannot support you in it.

You see, you have to know who you are and what you are looking for first so that you can begin straining through people who just aren't your match and so that you know your "type".  You don't want to get down the road and then realize who you are and what you want and find that you've chosen to love someone who you now can't stand or vice versa.

Question:  How do I figure out who I am?

Answer:  The best way is to remember where you came from and the constructive lessons learned.  Think about who God says you are also and where He says you came from and where He says you are headed.  Think about the positive influences in your life and the people that caused you to be a better you just by being around them.  Think about the trials that you've gone through... you came THROUGH those trials.  Take time to really search within yourself of why you behave the way you do.  Think about your likes and dislikes, your plans and goals for your future.  If you don't have any, it is time to make some.  Think about what your weaknesses are and your strengths and then work on those weaknesses and strengthen those strengths.

The bottom line is YOU decide who you are and what you want out of this life.  ONLY YOU can decide what kind of man or woman you want.  So, figure it out and then ... DECIDE!... and then walk in that decision with confidence.

Decide... Act... Change your life!

Good luck on your search for a long lasting relationship!

How To Avoid Falling For A Jerk… OR Jerkette

Session 2 Part 5 – You Can’t Marry Jethro Without Gettin' The Clampetts:  Family Relationship Resource

As mentioned previously in my beginning articles on this topic, I had the opportunity to attend a seminar called “How To Avoid Falling For A Jerk… Or Jerkette.  So, the information I share with you is coming directly from my experience in this class, answers that were given, information from the book I received, and in some cases are a direct copy from the book.  Today, is a direct copy from the book since it deals mostly with testing oneself.

You’ve heard of the saying that ‘good things happen to those who can wait’.  Well the following is a study done in dealing with just that.

“A landmark study on the conscience was conducted back in the 1960’s by Walter Mischel at the Bing Preschool on the campus of Stanford University.  He gave four-year olds a choice of having one marshmallow now, or waiting until he came back into the room a few minutes later and then getting a second marshmallow.  The focus of this study was to measure a child’s delay of gratification and the ability to control his/her impulses.

Some of the children who chose to wait stared at the marshmallow with their chins in their hands.  Others laid their heads down next to the marshmallow and never took their eyes off of it.  And then there were some who couldn’t get enough of sniffing the marshmallow to ease the stress of waiting.  In contrast, some of the children lacked impulse control and had the marshmallow in their mouth before the instructions were even completed.

The most fascinating results came from the follow-up studies on these same children (which are still continuing to this day and even include their marriages and their children).  Fifteen, twenty, and even thirty years later, those who exercised self-control consistently scored higher on just about every test administered than those who immediately ate the marshmallow.  The “waiters” were more assertive, competent, hard working, cooperative and successful at coping than those who were impulsive.  The “instant gratifiers” tended to achieve poorer grades and turned out to be more stubborn, indecisive, and stressed.”

Mischel, Walter.  (1967).  Waiting for rewards and punishments:  Effects of time and probability on choice.  Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. 5(1) 24-31.

Here is a little exercise that you can do in dealing with Family Relationships.  In dealing with a relationship, keep in mind that these experiences mold people into who they are and what their values are with some exceptions.

 PG. 2

Now that you have done the test yourself, let's take a conscience check-up and look at what a healthy vs. an unhealthy conscience looks like.  There are a couple of additional lines.  Can you think of other behaviours in dealing with someone who has an unhealthy conscience vs. someone whose conscience is healthy?

These exercises can help you to rate your date.  Of course you wouldn't go to him/her and ask these questions directly from the Family Relationship section.  However, you can discreetly keep in the back of your mind as many of these as you can so that as you get to know him/her and the family background and upbringing, you can gain a clearer knowledge of where your date is coming from.  Now, as aforementioned, their upbringing is a factor in who they are with some exceptions to the rule.  Sometimes, people come out of the mold of what their family is.  So, you can also rate their conscience by the conscience check-up to get an understanding of who they are NOW.  Look at their behaviour when they are dealing with other people, when they are out, when they make mistakes, when they hurt someone, etc... see what their responses are to different situations.

Well, I hope this helps you to prepare for a better understanding of the person you are with or either someone you've considered dating or building an intimate relationship with.  Just remember, don't go only by the heart.

Join me next time when we begin Session 3:  The Ingredients For A Lasting Relationship.