How To Avoid Falling For A Jerk… OR Jerkette

(Session 2 Part 3 – Exploring The Family Background)

Most of this section is taken directly from the book to ask yourself questions in dealing with your family.  This is a good way to evaluate yourself and that significant other to see what their ideas of power and roles are in a family.

Explore Power In Your Family

There are 4 strands or sources of power domain in a family.  Sometimes they can be too little and other times they may be too much.

DOMAIN                                                        TOO MUCH                                                TOO LITTLE

Authority                                                        Authoritarian                                              Permissive     

Territory                                                         Possessive                                                  Enmeshed      

Attention                                                        Spoiled                                                        Neglected      

Responsibility                                                Driven                                                                   Lazy

When these domains are too much, it could lead to an authoritarian situation, possessiveness, spoiled, and driven.  When these domains are too little, it could lead to a permissive relationship, enmeshed, neglected, and lazy.  It is important that we find a healthy balance in these domains.  Why, because they can be detrimental to those involved in the relationship.  For example:  Someone who has too much in the “authority” domain and “territory” domain could be physically abusive.  Someone who has too little in the “responsibility” and “territory” domain could be not only lazy but to the point of not seeing why they should have to take care of things that are in a relationship.  They don’t see the territorial lines in a relationship as theirs to upkeep.

Think About It:            Which imbalances would most likely lead to a power struggle?

                                    Which imbalances would most likely lead to insecurity in a relationship?

                                    Which imbalances would most likely lead to selfishness in a relationship?

It is important to know the family background of a person and the personality of the possible mate.

Explore Roles In Your Family

Think About It:  Consider what your mother was like as a wife and your father as a husband.  

                          How did their relationship and your relationship with them affect how you would like to be and act in your future

                          relationship and eventual marriage? 

                          How do you think it's affected the way you will look at someone you date & ultimately at a partner in marriage?

                          Which parent or guardian did you most connect with? 

                          Was it in closeness or in conflict? 

                           In what ways are you like that parent or caregiver?

Are these issues important to you in evaluating someone you are either dating or want to date?  YOU BETTER BELIEVE THEY ARE!   They help identify where that person is coming from and where that person’s character may lean towards.

Question:  What characteristics describe a healthy and positive husband… and a healthy and positive wife?

This is something for you to think about as you become interested in someone.  You can check your description of a healthy husband or wife and see if that person matches it.  If they don’t, do they match most of what you are looking for?  Also, the things that are lacking, are they important issues that could affect the healthiness and/or stability of your relationship?

Well, that's all for now, see ya on Monday for when we go over "The Conscience" session 2 part 4 in You Can't Marry Jethro Without Gettin' The Clampetts".  How To Avoid Falling For A Jerk... Or Jerkette.

How To Avoid Falling For A Jerk… OR Jerkette

(Session 2 Part 2 of "You Can’t Marry Jethro Without Getting’ The Clampetts")

Exploring Family Background

Did you know that your experiences and family background has shaped who you are?  “Your family influences you in many ways.  There are 3 key influences your family has on you.

1. The way you learned to handle your emotions and how to give and receive love.
2. The way you learned to handle and share power
3. The way you learned family roles

This next section is a copy of the book from the seminar.  It is very important for self-evaluation.  Let’s explore affection and anger in your family.  Let’s TRULY think about it. 

Grab a sheet of paper and write these down.  These are questions to ask yourself and to answer HONESTLY.  Write your answers on the paper so that you see your answers visually.

-         Think and write about how your family exhibited affection that made you feel loved.  This truly affects you and how you relate to others.  Write about how it affected you and how you relate to others.

-         Think and write about how you want affection to be shown in your relationships, including marriage and family.  Write down what kind of family experiences in a partner would help to accomplish this?

-         Think and write about what your temper is like.  How was anger managed in the family that you grew up in?  How do you WANT to handle your temper in your relationships and how do you WANT to handle your temper in a marriage someday?  Write it down.

-         Think about when you are dating someone.  What do you want to look for in order to understand the way that person will handle their temper or express love and affection?  Write it down.

-         Think and write about what some practices were from your family that you would like to incorporate into your marriage and family someday.

-         Think and write about what some practices were from your family that you would NOT want to repeat.

-         Think and write about what relationship practices you want to look for in the family of the person you marry someday.  Why do you think that is important?

These are very important factors in dealing with overcoming SELF and having a successful relationship.  We are going to cover more of this over the next few sessions.

Remember:  “Patterns from childhood often recur in adult relationships unless essential efforts are made to change”.

Join me again on Thursday as we continue with “Exploring Family Background”  How To Avoid Falling For A Jerk… OR Jerkette – Session 2 Part 2.