Living Victoriously

How To Avoid Falling For A Jerk… OR Jerkette

(Session 2 Part 3 – Exploring The Family Background)

Most of this section is taken directly from the book to ask yourself questions in dealing with your family.  This is a good way to evaluate yourself and that significant other to see what their ideas of power and roles are in a family.

Explore Power In Your Family

There are 4 strands or sources of power domain in a family.  Sometimes they can be too little and other times they may be too much.

DOMAIN                                                        TOO MUCH                                                TOO LITTLE

Authority                                                        Authoritarian                                              Permissive     

Territory                                                         Possessive                                                  Enmeshed      

Attention                                                        Spoiled                                                        Neglected      

Responsibility                                                Driven                                                                   Lazy

When these domains are too much, it could lead to an authoritarian situation, possessiveness, spoiled, and driven.  When these domains are too little, it could lead to a permissive relationship, enmeshed, neglected, and lazy.  It is important that we find a healthy balance in these domains.  Why, because they can be detrimental to those involved in the relationship.  For example:  Someone who has too much in the “authority” domain and “territory” domain could be physically abusive.  Someone who has too little in the “responsibility” and “territory” domain could be not only lazy but to the point of not seeing why they should have to take care of things that are in a relationship.  They don’t see the territorial lines in a relationship as theirs to upkeep.

Think About It:            Which imbalances would most likely lead to a power struggle?

                                    Which imbalances would most likely lead to insecurity in a relationship?

                                    Which imbalances would most likely lead to selfishness in a relationship?

It is important to know the family background of a person and the personality of the possible mate.

Explore Roles In Your Family

Think About It:  Consider what your mother was like as a wife and your father as a husband.  

                          How did their relationship and your relationship with them affect how you would like to be and act in your future

                          relationship and eventual marriage? 

                          How do you think it's affected the way you will look at someone you date & ultimately at a partner in marriage?

                          Which parent or guardian did you most connect with? 

                          Was it in closeness or in conflict? 

                           In what ways are you like that parent or caregiver?

Are these issues important to you in evaluating someone you are either dating or want to date?  YOU BETTER BELIEVE THEY ARE!   They help identify where that person is coming from and where that person’s character may lean towards.

Question:  What characteristics describe a healthy and positive husband… and a healthy and positive wife?

This is something for you to think about as you become interested in someone.  You can check your description of a healthy husband or wife and see if that person matches it.  If they don’t, do they match most of what you are looking for?  Also, the things that are lacking, are they important issues that could affect the healthiness and/or stability of your relationship?

Well, that's all for now, see ya on Monday for when we go over "The Conscience" session 2 part 4 in You Can't Marry Jethro Without Gettin' The Clampetts".  How To Avoid Falling For A Jerk... Or Jerkette.