How to Avoid Falling For A Jerk… OR Jerkette (Part 2)

(How to avoid falling for the wrong person)

I put that extra title underneath the main title because the title seemed to be offensive to some.  The main title is not one that I made up, it is the name of the seminar.  Once again, the information shared with you is from a seminar on dating.  The information is input from the class attended.

Today we are going to identify how to recognize an emotionally immature person, how you recognize an emotionally restricted person, and why there are sometimes differences between relationship skills used in dating and those used in marriage?

Question:  How do you recognize an emotionally IMMATURE person?

Answer:  This is a question that has many answers and it is something that probably most of us ask ourselves.  Be on the lookout for if the person has temper tantrums… now they may not jump up and down (or they may???) and roll on the ground kicking their feet like a child, but they may have an adult temper tantrum.  i.e.:  yelling, screaming, and argumentative, pouting, slamming and/or throwing things.  Also a person’s whose state of mind is emotionally immature, may not handle business well, they more than likely will be selfish, co-dependent, manipulative, insecure and make you responsible for their feelings and behaviour.  If the person you are thinking of dating or have been dating is exhibiting any of these patterns… LOOKOUT!  He/She may just be the wrong person for you.

Question:  How do you recognize an emotionally RESTRICTED person?

Answer:  We all are looking for someone who is ready to receive our love and to know how to love and to give their love to us.  So, be on the lookout for if the person is overly repressive, has low self-esteem, passive or allows themselves to be a doormat, depressed, indecisive, shows a lack of empathy, self-alienated, controlling, obsessive, or shows passive/aggressive behaviour.  If the person you are thinking of dating or have been dating is showing any of these patterns… LOOKOUT!  He/She may just be the wrong person for you.

Question:  Why are there sometimes differences between relationship skills used in dating and those used in marriage?

Answer:  We all know that to keep relationships active we do a lot of the same things for each type of relationship.  However, there are some differences of behaviour depending on the relationship.

In dating, we ignore red flags and are trying to impress our date.  We tend to have a passive mindset and hoping for a change.  We usually don’t show our true selves completely until a long time in the relationship.

In marriage, you don’t have as much of a passive mindset because you don’t need to impress this person because they are already your life-long partner.  We also finally let our whole selves be shown completely in a marriage… kind of letting our breath out and be who we really are.  However, you learn to compromise more because of the commitment to keep the relationship afloat and happy.  Some give and some take is required.

Well, th-th-th-that’s all folks!  Join me again on Thursday as we talk about (How to avoid falling for the wrong person – Part 3) “What are some relationship skills essential for a healthy relationship?”  See ya next time!

How To Avoid Falling For a Jerk (or Jerkette)

Part 1

(The foolproof way to follow your heart without losing your mind)

This is a series of seminars that I had an opportunity to attend and I wanted to share with you what I learned and what was shared in class.  This was inspired by the book written by John Van Epp, ph.D. 

A Bird’s Eye View of Dating 

Today, in this section I will cover Difficult Partners and their Warning Signs.  Please understand that being a jerk is not gender prejudice.  You have them in both sexes and when we are talking about these identification signs, it is in dealing with both sexes, not just one or the other.  Remember, what people's state of mind is, is how their behaviour will be... they can hide it for a short time, but it will eventually show what kind of person they are.

Question:  What exactly is a jerk or jerkette?

Answer:  A jerk or jerkette is another way of saying a difficult partner.  Let’s answer the question above by asking you a few questions.

What are some common patterns of a person difficult to be with in a relationship?  Before looking at the ideas below, take time to think about what your thoughts are in this matter.  What is your answer?... Good, ok, now take a look at some of the examples below.

           

Here are some excellent examples of common patterns of a difficult person to be with in a relationship that people shared in the class:

-  Selfish                              -  Sneaky                  -  Needy                           -  Nagger

-  Insensitive                        -  User                      -  Cheater                          -   Manipulative

-  Low down                       -  Controller              -  Don’t care attitude          -  Lazy

-  Hypocritical                     -  Liar                        -  Never apologize             -  Mean

-  Disrespectful                    -  Abusive                  -  “Big” brat                      -  Immature

-  Whining                           -  Condescending       -  Demanding                    -  Irresponsible

-  Accuser                           -  Demeaner               -  Gold digger                   -  Mama’s boy/girl

-  Dead beat                        -  Jealous                    -  Insecure

If you see a pattern of these in someone, be alert… he/she may just be the wrong person for you.

Question:  What is the core difference between acting like a jerk/jerkette and being a jerk/jerkette?

Answer:  All of us have our own “jerk" or "jerkette” moments at one time or another, but someone who consistently behave this way should cause the jerk/jerkette alarm to go off in your mind.  Be aware and pay attention to their behaviour… not just what they say, but what they do, not just what they do to you, but how they treat others also.

Question:  What are the 3 warning signs of a person difficult to be with in a relationship?

Answer:  Before looking at the answers, think of what "YOUR" answer(s) would be if you had to be around someone difficult to live with.  Always ask yourself these questions of what you think and how you see the matter.

1. Little insight into yourself or how others see you.
2. Poor emotional control
3. Inadequate relationship skills

Remember good-hearted people are the most at risk for falling for a JERK/JERKETTE!

Question:  Why is it important to see yourself from another’s perspective?

Answer:  To determine if change is necessary you must do a self-evaluation every so often, but you must also be willing to hear people out in dealing with how they see you because there are some parts of you that you don't see but others do.

Question:  What are the warning signs of somebody who doesn’t have this ability to see themselves from another's perspective?

Answer:  This person may be close-minded, defensive and not willing to listen.

Question:  What are some emotions that you want to have healthy control over?

Answer:  With some emotions, if they are not controlled well, they will eventually lead to harm not just themselves, but others also.  So, it is important that we have a healthy control over the following:

-  Anger            -  Pride             -  Jealousy            -  Secure/Insecure

Well that is all for tonight; join me again this week for “How To Avoid Falling For a Jerk/Jerkette” Part 2.  We will cover How to recognize an emotionally immature person, how to recognize an emotionally restricted person and more!

                           Please feel free to add your comments or ask questions