How To Avoid Falling For A Jerk... OR Jerkette

Session 3:  Part 3B: Assumptions and Mind Games

We've covered a lot of information in the past in dealing with relationships and how to have one or how to avoid an unhealthy one.  There are lots of factors to consider and to be on the look out for in dealing with a relationship.  Our next are is dealing with Assumptions and Mind Games.                                                              

Now, most of you have been in a situation or know someone who has been in a situation where someone is playing mind games with them.  It is an immature act and should be cut-off immediately as it is damaging to both parties.  Let's begin.

Assumptions:

Don't you just hate it when people tell you what you are thinking and what you mean and what you're doing!?  It absolutely gets on ones nerves.  I am sure that everyone has come across a situation where you said something and the person didn't take you seriously, or they didn't consider it, or they assume you "meant" something else or that you didn't mean what you said.  Games!  Games!  Mind Games!  Or... worse yet, they refuse to accept what you say that you mean and then tell you what you mean.  Confused yet!?... Exactly!  This can be absolutely exasperating.

What they are doing is that they are trying to overlay how they want you to behave... and which comes back around to how they want you to behave so that it benefits them.... can anyone say... "manipulation"?

Assumption statements are difficult to catch, but catch them we must.  Statements using "suppose", "guess", and "wish" are ideal for assumption statements.  You see, they don't ask you a question because then there is no control.  If they put it in the form of a statement, "I wish you'd understand how hard it is for me after all I've done for you. ", then it controls the conversation and probably the response.

In a healthy relationship, questions would be asked and a conversation proceed from the question.  You see, the manipulator would prefer to make an assumption about what you're doing because it gives control to the conversation and allows them to describe you instead of listening to the real you instead of the you they say you are.  Everyone uses manipulation once in a while.  Husbands, wives, children, lovers, and parents.  These examples are assumptions in dealing with a parent.

Examples of Healthy Responses To Assumptions:

Assumption:  I wish you'd understand how hard it is for me, after all I've done for you, to have you not want to spend the day with me.

Healthy Response:  Actually, I spend as much time with you as I can and value our time and am happily dividing my time so that I can spend some with you and with my family.

Assumption:  "I suppose you're going to leave me alone again."

Healthy Response:  "I'm not leaving you alone.  You've got your family here and going to be watching a movie tonight, the dog's with you wanting attention.  I will be back."

Assumption:  "If you've got better things to do, then don't waste your time with me."

Healthy Response:  "I'm glad you understand how busy things are for me right now.  When I get back home from work we will talk then."

Mind Games:

Don't let what others think and say influence what type of person you choose to be and what you do.  Many of times a manipulator will use someone who is a favorable authority figure to you.  They will use what they say or think to try to manipulate you into having their way.  They try to make you feel like you aren't doing what the average person would do in a situation.  Below are some examples of mind game manipulation:

Mind Game:  "Mary says that it'd be better if you didn't leave me alone all the time.  She says it's harmful for me."

Response:  "I didn't realize Mary was a psychologist.  I must speak to her about the possibility of spending more time with you."

Mind Game:  "Everyone things you're not being kind to me when you refuse to buy me a second diamond ring."

Response:  "Everyone?  I must meet these people who are so flush.  I'd love to buy you another ring but I'm glad that you have a beautiful one to keep you occupied until our budget can handle another large purchase as that.

Avoid Confrontation and Dispute Manipulation:

Determine whether someone is purposely trying to use a ploy or a "game" to cause a conflict.  This often happens with friends where one person wants to influence or control the actions of the other.  Confrontational statements are meant to upset you and to begin a fight.  Sometimes it can be done in jest but the purpose is meant to dash your hopes.  Don't engage in an argument with a manipulator, you'll lose.  Learn to "JUST SAY NO", and then point out clear facts and leave it at that.  Be calm, friendly, rational, pleasant and just give a simple response.  Don't give grimacing facial gestures or snapping and yelling.  Use body language to back up your meaning.  i.e.:  shake your head "no", give a "no" face while saying "no".

Example:

Manipulator:  "I thought we agreed that this is the best solution."

Response:  "Thanks for asking but "no". or "I'd love to, but I'm too busy and can't".

These are just examples.  You will have to determine what type of manipulation you are dealing with so that you can respond healthily but definitely.

Join me next time as we cover manipulations dealing with self-pity, distorting facts, feigning illnesses and bargaining tools.

Cheers!

How To Avoid Falling For A Jerk... OR Jerkette

Session 3:  Part 3A - Healthy Responses To Manipulative, Deceitful, and Untrustworthy Behavior

Last time we discussed a lot of different manipulative and deceitful behavior.  Well, what good is discussing it if we don't have any solutions in how to deal with them.

So, I want to first give thanks to http://www.wikihow.com/Manipulate-a-Guy-Into-a-Talk who provided this directly copied information.

First understand that when dealing with someone who is manipulative, we must know, ahead of time, how to deal with them so as to not be caught off guard.  So, we are going to describe what the behaviors are and explain what their purpose is and then help you to know how to handle that specific behavior.

We won't get through all of them here.  It will take a few sessions.  But, here we go:

Note the possible types of ways in which people try to manipulate one another. There are some key behaviors that can end up in manipulation, and it's helpful to know how to spot them before walking right into them. The behaviors are set out briefly here, with the following steps providing more details along with suggestions for healthy ways to respond:

o The guilt trip – this manipulative behavior seeks to make you feel guilty and is aimed at sending you into the land of "should" rather than standing up for your own values.

o The assumption statement – this manipulative tactic seeks to turn your behavior into what the beholder perceives it as, whether or not their interpretation is accurate. Soon leads to a guilt trip because no matter what, your refutation is proof of the assumption.

o He said, she said – this manipulative ploy is pseudo-sociology in action. The manipulator takes it upon themselves to tell you what someone else said was the right thing to do. It's a handy way of pushing aside the responsibility from themselves while loading it all onto you.

o The confronting statement – this manipulative approach is about causing anargument. That way, the provoker will end up making you feel terrible over something you didn't do or say but for which you ought to feel guilty anyway and they'll get a huge chunk of sympathy with which to manipulate you all over again.

o Self-pity: "But I'm so unloved/sick/victimized, etc." – At times each one of us has times when we're really in need of some tender self-care but long-term manipulators can make a habit of being the victim or the one needing special attention.

Even companies use guilt trips...

Curtail the guilt trip!

Guilt trips are really high on the list of manipulative tools. If you can get someone else to feel guilty, then you're home and hosed. The trouble is, people wear out after being made to suffer guilt trip after guilt trip and the manipulator who thinks that he or she is on to a good thing here risks losing respect, friends, and being distanced by those who can't get away, such as family and co-workers. One of the key things to keep in mind when escaping the guilt trip bind is that the sooner you nip it in the bud, the better, and that it's their guilt trip, not yours.

Here are some approaches to the guilt trip:

o Recognize it. Guilt trips are usually prefaced with "If you really cared about me, you'd...", or "If you were more responsible, you'd...", or "If you were more understanding, you'd...". In each case, you can substitute the words they add in after with "do as I want". Another way of inducing a guilt trip is to tell you what you wouldn't do, for example: "I knew I'd misheard it! After all, you'd never get engaged without telling me first." In that small phrase, you've just been told that the expectations are that you'll defer to this person before making any decisions.

o Turn it back on the guilt giver. Take a return-to-sender approach with guilt trips and don't let their interpretation of your behavior determine the situation. In this case, you can give them a little of their own medicine so that they understand how it feels to be made to feel guilty. This approach involves taking what the manipulator has said and tell them how they aren't respecting, appreciating, caring for, etc. your behavior toward them, and in the process, you dissolve the need to meet the obligation they're aiming to impose.

For example:

 A: "You don't care about all the hard work I've done for you."

 You: "I sure do care about the hard work you've done for me. I've said as much many times. Now it seems to me that you don't appreciate how much I care."

 A: "That's not true! I appreciate it!"

 You: "Yes, just as I appreciate your hard work."

o Shorten their hold on you. When a manipulator tries to guilt-trip you by suggesting that they don't matter, don't buy into it. Instead, answer with a quick retort that breaks this hold instantly.

For example:

 A: "Okay then, go on that camping trip with your friends while I do all the work looking after the dogs. Don't worry about me."

 You: "That's great! I'm glad you're happy to look after the dogs while I'm away. Thanks!"

See, that wasn't too painful now was it?  LOL

Well, join me next time when we cover the behavior of Assumptions and Mind Games