How To Avoid Falling For A Jerk… OR Jerkette

Session 2 Part 5 – You Can’t Marry Jethro Without Gettin' The Clampetts:  Family Relationship Resource

As mentioned previously in my beginning articles on this topic, I had the opportunity to attend a seminar called “How To Avoid Falling For A Jerk… Or Jerkette.  So, the information I share with you is coming directly from my experience in this class, answers that were given, information from the book I received, and in some cases are a direct copy from the book.  Today, is a direct copy from the book since it deals mostly with testing oneself.

You’ve heard of the saying that ‘good things happen to those who can wait’.  Well the following is a study done in dealing with just that.

“A landmark study on the conscience was conducted back in the 1960’s by Walter Mischel at the Bing Preschool on the campus of Stanford University.  He gave four-year olds a choice of having one marshmallow now, or waiting until he came back into the room a few minutes later and then getting a second marshmallow.  The focus of this study was to measure a child’s delay of gratification and the ability to control his/her impulses.

Some of the children who chose to wait stared at the marshmallow with their chins in their hands.  Others laid their heads down next to the marshmallow and never took their eyes off of it.  And then there were some who couldn’t get enough of sniffing the marshmallow to ease the stress of waiting.  In contrast, some of the children lacked impulse control and had the marshmallow in their mouth before the instructions were even completed.

The most fascinating results came from the follow-up studies on these same children (which are still continuing to this day and even include their marriages and their children).  Fifteen, twenty, and even thirty years later, those who exercised self-control consistently scored higher on just about every test administered than those who immediately ate the marshmallow.  The “waiters” were more assertive, competent, hard working, cooperative and successful at coping than those who were impulsive.  The “instant gratifiers” tended to achieve poorer grades and turned out to be more stubborn, indecisive, and stressed.”

Mischel, Walter.  (1967).  Waiting for rewards and punishments:  Effects of time and probability on choice.  Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. 5(1) 24-31.

Here is a little exercise that you can do in dealing with Family Relationships.  In dealing with a relationship, keep in mind that these experiences mold people into who they are and what their values are with some exceptions.

 PG. 2

Now that you have done the test yourself, let's take a conscience check-up and look at what a healthy vs. an unhealthy conscience looks like.  There are a couple of additional lines.  Can you think of other behaviours in dealing with someone who has an unhealthy conscience vs. someone whose conscience is healthy?

These exercises can help you to rate your date.  Of course you wouldn't go to him/her and ask these questions directly from the Family Relationship section.  However, you can discreetly keep in the back of your mind as many of these as you can so that as you get to know him/her and the family background and upbringing, you can gain a clearer knowledge of where your date is coming from.  Now, as aforementioned, their upbringing is a factor in who they are with some exceptions to the rule.  Sometimes, people come out of the mold of what their family is.  So, you can also rate their conscience by the conscience check-up to get an understanding of who they are NOW.  Look at their behaviour when they are dealing with other people, when they are out, when they make mistakes, when they hurt someone, etc... see what their responses are to different situations.

Well, I hope this helps you to prepare for a better understanding of the person you are with or either someone you've considered dating or building an intimate relationship with.  Just remember, don't go only by the heart.

Join me next time when we begin Session 3:  The Ingredients For A Lasting Relationship.

How To Avoid Falling For A Jerk… OR Jerkette

Session 2 Part 4 – “You Can’t Marry Jethro Without Gettin’ The Clampetts” – The Conscience

GOOD CONSCIENCES KEEP MARRIAGES TOGETHER

“A group of multi-disciplinary researchers from the University of California, Brandeis University and the State University New York at Stony Brook teamed together to conduct a series of studies on the famous Terman database to determine if there were any childhood predictors of longevity and marital happiness.  What they found was shocking.  Lewis M. Terman and Catherine Cox were awarded a grant of $20 million dollars by the Heritage Foundation in 1921 to conduct a lifelong study of 1528 gifted elementary school children.  Follow-up surveys and studies were administered approximately every five years.  In addition, files of newspaper clippings, legal documents and certificates, and interview with parents, spouses and family members were comprised on each of the participants.

One of the childhood characteristics that Lewis Terman evaluated was conscientiousness.  Terman compiled profiles of each child (around 11 years old) on their truthfulness, lack of egotism or vanity, and prudence (good impulse control).  Putting these areas together provided him a picture of each child’s conscientiousness.  The original intent of this project was to study human intelligence but the results went fare beyond this.

Changes in the leadership of this project over the span of eight decades brought fresh ideas and heightened attention to new issues.  Their years of data collection produced rich and extensive findings on marriages, careers, educational achievements, child rearing, family practices, aging, retirement and causes of death for over 1500 individuals over the course of thisr lifetimes.  The project continues to this day.

Because those who participated in the Terman database were evaluated in the area of conscientiousness when they were children, researchers could trace those who were highly conscientious as children into their marriages and even determine for many of them their age at death.  What they found was there was one personality quality that most strongly predicted longevity and happy marriages.  Conscientiousness in childhood consistently predicted thos who lived longer and never divorced!  In fact, conscientiousness was as powerful a predictor of a longer lifespan as many common predictors of physical health.  It was also the childhood personality quality that stood out as the strongest predictor of a marriage that would last a lifetime.”

Termon, L.M. and Oden, M.H. (1947). Genetic studies of genius: IV.  The gifted child grows up:  Twenty-five years follow-up.  Standford, Ca:  Standford University Press.

Friedman, H.S., Tucker, J.S., Tomlinson-Keasey, C., Schwartz, J.E., Wingard D.L. and Criqui, M.H. (1993).  Does childhoiod personality predict longevity?  Journal of personality and social psychology.  Vol. 65 (1), 176-185.

There you have it!  It makes a difference in who you were growing up into who you are now.  Now, remember, some changes occur, especially if you’ve become a Christian, you’ve become a new creature in Christ.  That being said though, we must be realistic about the possible attitudes and actions of the conscience Christian or not.

Exploring Attitudes & Actions of The Conscience

Have you ever thought about what role your conscience plays in your life in dealing with your behaviour and your thoughts?  It plays a huge role in you becoming and acting that you are.  Frequently in my writings I mention about how you are what your state-of-mind is.  In other words, your behaviour will eventually show in dealing with the person you are inside.  The Bible talks about how if it is a good tree then it will produce good fruit and vice versa.  You are what you think because what you think is what your actions and behaviour will show.  Let’s take a look at conscience.

Your conscience plays 2 important roles. 

(1)    It is the MANAGER of your attitudes and actions.  In other words, it regulates right and wrong and how you work with it.

(2)    It gets you out of YOUR world and into your PARTNER’S or other people’s world.  In other words, it helps you not to be so narcissistic by thinking about how other people feel.  It transports and gives the ability for the conscience to act on what is happening… like… empathizing with your partner when they are hurt about something instead of always thinking about how you feel and how something affects you.

It is very important that we watch for signs that exhibit a partner’s conscience.  It is wise to observe how their conscience monitors their attitudes and actions.  Look for the following:

-         ability to apologize

-         their reactions to situations

-         following through on an apology

-         what they do in dealing with other people

-         their ability to evaluate self honestly and see the wrong that they have done

Question:  Why is transporting conscience important in someone you date or marry?

Answer:  I guess the question to you is, do you want someone who can and is willing to try to understand you or where you are coming from?  Do you want someone who can see his/her wrong and be willing to admit it and make amends for it… and possibly prevent themselves from doing it again.  OR… do you want someone who gets angry because you are hurt by something they have done… they don’t apologize for their behaviour… they don’t see a need for the apology or making amends because they don’t see where they are wrong because their conscience is not transporting correctly, therefore, they don’t see why you should be hurt!  So, it just irritates them and gets on their nerves and puts them on the defensive.  So, instead of them empathizing with you… or even sympathizing with you, they are put on the defensive.  You see, transporting is important to know, to be able to share, to be able to listen, and to be able to understand.  But, if a partner has trouble doing this, you are headed down a very rocky pathway in dealing with this relationship and it is perhaps something that you would want to re-consider because the prospects of a happy marriage isn’t likely.

Question for you:  Do you know of people who have a strong transporting conscience? 

Think about it and make a list of what you expect to see in someone you date or potentially marry who has a healthy and positive conscience.

Well, we will be taking a break from this topic for the rest of this year.  Next week, take a look at our spiritual and physical health tab for some good enlightenment.  See ya later at www.livingvictoriously.biz