Session 3: Part 3A - Healthy Responses To Manipulative, Deceitful, and Untrustworthy Behavior
Last time we discussed a lot of different manipulative and deceitful behavior. Well, what good is discussing it if we don't have any solutions in how to deal with them.
So, I want to first give thanks to http://www.wikihow.com/Manipulate-a-Guy-Into-a-Talk who provided this directly copied information.
First understand that when dealing with someone who is manipulative, we must know, ahead of time, how to deal with them so as to not be caught off guard. So, we are going to describe what the behaviors are and explain what their purpose is and then help you to know how to handle that specific behavior.
We won't get through all of them here. It will take a few sessions. But, here we go:
Note the possible types of ways in which people try to manipulate one another. There are some key behaviors that can end up in manipulation, and it's helpful to know how to spot them before walking right into them. The behaviors are set out briefly here, with the following steps providing more details along with suggestions for healthy ways to respond:
o The guilt trip – this manipulative behavior seeks to make you feel guilty and is aimed at sending you into the land of "should" rather than standing up for your own values.
o The assumption statement – this manipulative tactic seeks to turn your behavior into what the beholder perceives it as, whether or not their interpretation is accurate. Soon leads to a guilt trip because no matter what, your refutation is proof of the assumption.
o He said, she said – this manipulative ploy is pseudo-sociology in action. The manipulator takes it upon themselves to tell you what someone else said was the right thing to do. It's a handy way of pushing aside the responsibility from themselves while loading it all onto you.
o The confronting statement – this manipulative approach is about causing anargument. That way, the provoker will end up making you feel terrible over something you didn't do or say but for which you ought to feel guilty anyway and they'll get a huge chunk of sympathy with which to manipulate you all over again.
o Self-pity: "But I'm so unloved/sick/victimized, etc." – At times each one of us has times when we're really in need of some tender self-care but long-term manipulators can make a habit of being the victim or the one needing special attention.
Even companies use guilt trips...
Curtail the guilt trip!
Guilt trips are really high on the list of manipulative tools. If you can get someone else to feel guilty, then you're home and hosed. The trouble is, people wear out after being made to suffer guilt trip after guilt trip and the manipulator who thinks that he or she is on to a good thing here risks losing respect, friends, and being distanced by those who can't get away, such as family and co-workers. One of the key things to keep in mind when escaping the guilt trip bind is that the sooner you nip it in the bud, the better, and that it's their guilt trip, not yours.
Here are some approaches to the guilt trip:
Here are some approaches to the guilt trip:
o Recognize it. Guilt trips are usually prefaced with "If you really cared about me, you'd...", or "If you were more responsible, you'd...", or "If you were more understanding, you'd...". In each case, you can substitute the words they add in after with "do as I want". Another way of inducing a guilt trip is to tell you what you wouldn't do, for example: "I knew I'd misheard it! After all, you'd never get engaged without telling me first." In that small phrase, you've just been told that the expectations are that you'll defer to this person before making any decisions.
o Turn it back on the guilt giver. Take a return-to-sender approach with guilt trips and don't let their interpretation of your behavior determine the situation. In this case, you can give them a little of their own medicine so that they understand how it feels to be made to feel guilty. This approach involves taking what the manipulator has said and tell them how they aren't respecting, appreciating, caring for, etc. your behavior toward them, and in the process, you dissolve the need to meet the obligation they're aiming to impose.
For example:
A: "You don't care about all the hard work I've done for you."
You: "I sure do care about the hard work you've done for me. I've said as much many times. Now it seems to me that you don't appreciate how much I care."
A: "That's not true! I appreciate it!"
You: "Yes, just as I appreciate your hard work."
o Shorten their hold on you. When a manipulator tries to guilt-trip you by suggesting that they don't matter, don't buy into it. Instead, answer with a quick retort that breaks this hold instantly.
For example:
A: "Okay then, go on that camping trip with your friends while I do all the work looking after the dogs. Don't worry about me."
You: "That's great! I'm glad you're happy to look after the dogs while I'm away. Thanks!"
See, that wasn't too painful now was it? LOL
Well, join me next time when we cover the behavior of Assumptions and Mind Games